A loss......

The Saturday before Fathers day I took a pregnancy test. I was no where near ready for that test to be positive as I was due to ovulate that weekend. I had some odd signs and told myself to take one, what the heck right, not going to be positive I reassured myself! So when I looked at the positive test, it threw me for a loop. A whirlwind of everything was felt, but something was off.......something called intuition. Fast forward to Tuesday, I started spotting. It stopped and by this past Saturday night it started again and I lost what was not meant to be right now.This was the second miscarriage for us, the first took place between Leif and Sawyer. That story was somewhat the same, I never even knew I was pregnant, spotted for three weeks and it never even occurred to me I might be pregnant for my period was right on time. Only to arrive in Ohio and have the event happen there of all places. It was bad, really bad, alone and a lot of emotions. But my husband who has been and always will be my hero, flew into Ohio and drove me home. I enjoyed his company, even though we lost a little one. But Sawyer rejoined our family, our Spirit Baby{story from a Baby Catcher: Chronicles of a Modern Midwife by Peggy Vincent, a very good read}. I believe in time, this one too shall catch up with us.....in time!

So to help me deal with the loss I started a stole to wrap around and make me remember this experience. I smile a sad smile for now. Even though this is a loss, it is a lesson about life. I embrace most lessons, I try to learn from everything and it teaches me who/what I want to become. What path I must walk upon next. Yes, I was on a path for me and still am......just not sure right now which one I should continue on or a new one?Back to the stole, here is an interesting event: I was winding the yarn and Sawyer took notice I had chosen the same color as his sweater I had knit for him. Funny how you can do something subconsciously and if you do not tune in, you might miss a pretty significant meaning behind it........I love that about life, so much meaning in the little things! A color can mean so much.......I had lost Sawyer and he came back to us, I lost another and choose the same color....amazing huh?

And I think I might know why I have not been blogging lately....face book. Yes, I signed back on over the winter, but you know, I just have a hard dilemma about it....I am not the person who wants to live in the virtual world. I love to hear a real voice when you have something to say to me......especially about something like this event, {so, if you are reading this, PLEASE do not face book me or email me if you are a person who can pick up the phone and say what you want to me.....just a little favor I am asking!} I in return will be posting more pictures and more stories about our life and spend much less time on face book, after all, this was started as a journal to look back in time and smile, even when a ripple occurs and will soon settle!
Enjoy life, savor it and live it out in the real world with the realness it has to offer!